This post is probably going to be somewhat controversial, and maybe not to many people I don't know, but specifically to those I DO know. With that being said, please know this is not meant to hurt feelings, point fingers, look 'holier than thou,' or burn bridges. Nor is this post meant to say I'm right and you're wrong. This is simply a post to get out feelings I've harbored inside for quite some time and have come to a place in my life where I'm ready to get them out so I can move on. It's also really lengthy, so bear with me. I'd really appreciate positive feedback, whether you disagree respectfully or fully agree with me!
I grew up in a very small, independent Baptist church. Skirts, King James version bibles, hymns, ties, fire and brimstone sermons were all part of this church. And for many years this was all I knew. My parents went there, so of course I went there as well. I had many wonderful friends at this church, and still consider many of those people dear to my heart. Even still, I knew something about the way worship was portrayed at this church was not fit for me, or the convictions Jesus placed in my heart. I knew there was more to God than reading "thees" and "thous," and wearing skirts on Sunday mornings. It was all too idealistic for me, in that "if we do this, this, and this, we are good for the week, oh ya and we're the only right church." It didn't make sense to me that independent Baptist churches were the only right church, as believed by many there.
Around the age of 7 or 8 a lot of my friends started getting baptized. This outward profession of faith was almost the ticket to being in the "secret club" of this church. Everyone accepted you after you became a member of the church. You could then take part in Communion and have your birthday announced in the Sunday bulletin. But until then, you were the black sheep of the church. As awful as that sounds, it's exactly how I felt for the duration of my time there. After my friends had all been baptized at this young age, all eyes turned to me. "Why hasn't she?" "When will she be?" I was a timid 8 year old little girl and the last thing I wanted to do was stand in front of 100 people [or so] and profess my faith. It was fear that stopped me at such a young age.
As I grew older and gained more understanding of my faith, I knew going to church was right, and getting baptized was a command from God, but I also knew I never wanted to attend church on Sunday mornings, and I didn't want to be a member of THIS church. I would fake sick on Sundays just so I wouldn't have to sit through another sermon feeling like the Pastor was yelling at me as he shouted from the pulpit. I always asked to be excused near the end of each sermon so I could avoid the awkward invitationals, because each week I felt like everyone expected me to go forward and finally get baptized.
It never made sense to me why my little "sin" of not being baptized put such a wall between me and everyone else accepting me. It really puzzled me when I realized all of the terrible things that teens in our church were taking part in, (drugs, sex and alcohol) yet somehow their sins were overlooked. Even some adults were living questionable lifestyles outside of church but were not questioned inside church because they were able to put on a good front. I'm a really honest person and will more than likely tell you my life story if you ask. I have nothing to hide and to this day, I am bothered by those who live double lives. Everyone struggles with sin, whether it be drugs, cheating, or lying...everyone has something. Why not just admit what it is so others can help you? Why keep up the facade? It has to be eating away at you..ANYWAY sorry to get off on a tangent..I know my choice to not be baptized at their church was viewed as disobedience in their eyes, but was it really disobedient of me to not join a group of believers I didn't agree with? I had no choice of going to another church at the time, because we went to church as a family, no questions asked.
Some people at this church weren't beyond making someone feel uncomfortable. I remember one Sunday morning in particular. There were 4 people [including myself] in my Jr High Sunday school class. It was the first day in our new class. All 4 of us had grown up together and everyone knew that I was the only one who had not yet been baptized. Well, the teacher [whom I also grew up with, and had known since birth] decided that his first question to us in this new class would be "Who in here has been baptized?" As if for some reason he hadn't been around the last 14 years and seen all 3 of my friends get baptized? Give me a break...anyway! The 3 friends I had grown up with all raised their hands and I sat there with my hand down, once again, the unaccepted black sheep. Just because I had not become a member
of what I soon referred to as THEIR church, not MY church. That was the final straw.
I finally started asking questions. I asked my parents, I asked God, I asked others around me. Why did men wear suits on Sunday mornings, ties on Sunday nights and jeans on Wednesday nights? Don't we worship the same God every hour, every day, all around the world? Why are upbeat worship songs wrong? I assume since you condemn them for church worship you don't listen to anything with a drumbeat during the week? Do you not listen to Christian radio on week days or even worse contemporary secular radio? What makes the KJV Bible the only accepted one? No answer was good enough for me. I was 14 when I told my parents I could no longer worship at their church. The principles of the church made no sense to me.
I had been attending a weekly youth group at another, more contemporary church close by. After a lot of prayer and family discussions, they finally decided to join me and part ways with the independent Baptist church. It was like a breath of fresh air, so cliche I'm sorry, but it's true. I almost felt like I discovered a new God after leaving that church. A God whose love is everlasting, a God who sent His son, Jesus to die for me AND the people who don't wear suits to church. He died for the people who listen to secular music, He died for the people who like to dance, He died for the people who do drugs, He died for the too timid to be baptized, scared, 8 year old girl.
All too often Christians get caught up with the dos and donts of Christianity and it takes away from the beautiful message of salvation. While it is important to remain obedient to the Scriptures, and encourage our brothers and sisters if we see them fall. We must first look at our OWN lives and let God take care of the judging. Matthew 7:1-3 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"
I know it was never the intention of the church members to exclude me and point fingers, but as a child I was deeply hurt by these people. Though we left the church by choice and found hope in God at a new place of worship, we still felt hurt and disowned from the members there. People stopped calling us, told us our new church was not doctrinally sound, and that we would be back eventually. Years later I am still hurt by the way this church treated me, which is why I chose to write it all out. I have forgiven those who outright pointed fingers at me, but the wounds will always be there. At the church I attend now, baptism is preached, but not in such a way that condemns those who haven't yet made that step of faith. Baptism is presented as an outward profession of the miracle that has been done in your heart once you accept Jesus as your Savior. It is seen as an exciting milestone in one's life, one to be celebrated and praised for, not as a right into some secret acceptance club. My parents have since moved to an even more contemporary church, and my husband and I have done the same.
Again, this post was not meant to burn bridges with those friends of mine who still attend this church, I don't think they are bad people nor do I wish to hurt their feelings. This was a post to release pain I've had toward actions taken by some who attended during the time I was there. I have not been to this church in many years, and it may have changed since then, but this was my experience for the duration of my time there. I was given a firm foundation at this independent Baptist church, and wouldn't be who I am today had I not attended there in my youth. In addition to the foundation I was provided, I have also maintained many solid friendships over the years, with members there, and I love those people dearly. However, I don't agree with a lot of the church teachings and will never be back.
For the record, I don't call myself a religious person. I prefer to call myself relational because I don't have a religion with Jesus, I have a relationship with Him.. Oh, and I apologize if I began rambling on and making no sense, it was hard to condense this post. I could really write a book about this.
Have you ever been wounded by church?
