Confessions

This is me, being serious with me...and all of you I suppose.

As an artist I'm my own worst critic. Duh, I'm positive that's true of every artist. I constantly compare my work to other photographers and web designers. I took one photography class in college... and the professor loved selective coloring... *crickets*... in other words, I didn't learn a thing in her class. So basically everything I know is self-taught and graciously shared with me by some fantastic local photographers.

I'm in the process of designing my website, cue comparisons! I'm trying to find a healthy balance between "That photographers website looks awesome, good for them" and "I like what I saw there, how can I tweak it to my own style?" and "Why won't this line disappear and why does my logo look like a 3rd grader designed it and why does my font look fuzzy and what the heck is the difference between html bla bla bla and why won't my comments show up and..."....you get the picture. My brain hurts and sometimes I think my creativity just blows.

Bad attitude to have? Absolutely. Realistic? I sure hope so. There has to be a fine line between drawing inspiration from others and downright criticizing yourself because it looks nothing like the pros. I want to define my own style but sometimes I get stuck in these cycles....

"Oh her processing is awesome, let me grab my SOOC and try that! Saturate the blue tones okay, raise the exposure..wait no..that blows her face out..maybe she meant use the brightness slider..ah no, that can't be. Let's move the curves tool...yep that did it. Shoot no, that looks nothing like her image. Well maybe I can start my own processing trend...why is the sun disappearing when I move that slider? I liked the flare! Wait now the grass is white...how does that even happen? Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. Close"

That happens...like daily. I constantly criticize my own work, I constantly change my website design because I can't seem to make it look "professional" enough for my own liking. I've spent SO much money on equipment and host websites, design templates...you name it. The hard part is, I know I haven't even made a dent in the world of photography equipment. I have like the most basic pieces of equipment needed to start up. How do I progress from here though? My computer is slow because I have two million raw files on it, and it's just a laptop...my external hard drive is about to fill up, I have 2 CF cards that are filled after 1 session and sometimes I can't get all the images I need because the cards fill up so fast. I don't have a flash, I have one lens. *end rant

I feel the pressures of starting a business. I knew they would come and I knew they would be hard, but now I'm stuck in the process of it all and trying to find my way out.

I'm really not fishing for complements on my work, or "you can do its!" I know this journey won't be a dead end. I know I'll be successful someday, it's just a matter of making it there...This is really more about being honest. I want to look back on my journey and see where I was at during these beginning stages. Today I am pretty stressed, extremely over critical, and hopeful for the future.

Sorry for the downer, this "build your own business stuff" isn't so easy...but like I said I'm hopeful for the future.

just keep'n it real.