Thoughts On College

This will be long. I don't even know if I'll proof read through this. But when the mind starts rolling you gotta get the pen to the paper. Errr..fingers to the keyboard?

This school semester has been very eye opening. I'm so content with my coffeehouse job, part time photography, little apartment and tight budget..right now at least. But the "responsible" thing according to most, is going to school..getting your degree..then entering the 9-5 world. Well that's nice and all, but not what I'm about. I know I'll never regret getting my degree and receiving a college education, but if I could do it over I never would have gone to a state school. I'd much rather have gone to a photography school and enhanced my skills/knowledge of something I'm absolutely passionate for. I was advised to go for a "stable" generic degree in case my dream of being a photographer didn't quite pan out. While that advice is not terrible, it's definitely put me in a position I'd rather not be in.

I went the generic route and now my professors are asking for passion in my work, and that isn't something I can force. I mean sure I could fake it, but something about that just feels wrong to me. So, I told a particular professor that there will never be passion in my writing for her course because I'm simply taking her class as a graduation requirement..nothing further. She was shocked that approaches to rhetorical criticism wasn't at the top of my list. But at least I was honest. It felt better than giving her fake work.

 As I sit through school 12 hours a week I'm in a constant state of regret. I thought going the generic route was smart because my options are wide open..but writing 15 page papers about topics I could care less about is really starting to eat away at me. For lack of a better example...we're gonna go cliche here and say.. I'm so close to the finish line so I can't back out now but I wish things had gone differently after I graduated high school. I wish I had gone with my gut feeling and worked toward my passion instead of what the world deems valuable. Maybe to most people working 9-5 is valuable because it pays the bills. I want to do something I love, something I can wake up and be excited for. I find value in adoring your work.

I've worked so hard to get this far in college and I'm real proud of myself but sometimes I wonder if all the stress and tears were worth it in the end? Yes I said tears...I don't cry, but mixing deployment with dumb classes I could care less about brings out the tears every once in a while.

I'm truly grateful for the opportunity to receive a college education, and I acknowledge that many are not as fortunate to do so. But I'm struggling right now. Struggling to find meaning and purpose in a degree that has done nothing for me and won't help much in the future either. I've always had this attitude toward school but thought maybe it would change as I reached upper division. Not so my friend. School isn't meant for everyone and I think it's ridiculous when people say that you need school to be successful in life. Success comes from determination and creative will power, not from reading hundreds of textbook pages. Sure some people..well most people I guess..use their degrees to get them further and it's proved successful for them. I just don't see that happening with my degree. Who knows though, next year around this time I could be writing about the wonderful things my state school did for me. I doubt it...but I'm not gonna throw that option out the window yet. It's tough getting to this point, hundreds of tests and quizzes later and still realizing that school wasn't for me.

I did my family proud and in the standards of today's society I made a smart decision but I sure wish I spent the last 4 years hearing the shutter of my camera open and close instead of a textbook.