don't read if you aren't in the mood for deployment woes.
Most days I try to keep positive, especially since this here blog is so public, and who really wants to read some negative nelly blog entry every time you pop on over? But then I remind myself why I blog and though I love my readers..I blog for me. And today me hates deployment.
I realized the other day that I'm just over halfway done with this stuff.
Part of me is leaping out of my chair, excited to say I'm over halfway done..but there's still a large part of me that fights against that rational side. As much as I try not to, I still get down and have my pity parties..I guess I should say that sometimes I even enjoy throwing them for myself because I feel deserving. Is that bad? The closer his R&R gets..the further away it feels. How cliche, brain of mine. Yes, I consider myself lucky we get R&R but I still think how it's such a short time together compared to the 6 or so more months we'll be spending apart.
6 more months of trying desperately to make plans everyday so I don't sit at home by myself
6 more months of staring at a computer screen of dropped calls and a pixelated husband.
6 more months of friends trying to say "they understand" because their boyfriend/husband is away at college, gone camping for a WHOLE weekend or went on a month long trip for job training. Sorry friends, you don't understand and I really don't want you to try and reassure me that you do. I admit that I prefer hanging out with girls in long-distance relationships over happily nesting newlyweds, but it still gets to me sometimes. Should I feel bad about that? Maybe so. But we're speaking honestly here.
6 more months of being asked the same annoying questions "how's married life?...how often do you get to talk?...is he safe?...when does he come home?" and my absolute favorite comment "oh, a year long deployment? that's not so bad!" (yea just a measly year..12 short months...let's send your husband away for a year if it's no biggie to you)
6 more months of worrying about his safety.
6 more months of wishing I didn't have to see another happy couple.
6 more months of living vicariously through Army Wives.
6 more months of stupid stupid deployment.
I wish I could say that everyday was fairy tales and romance being married to a soldier. But it's not. Some days are better than others, but some days I'd rather just barricade myself indoors and watch hours of Netflix.
Something funny that I've noticed lately is the casual use of the phrase "Hi how are you?" We throw it around like it's a greeting instead of sincerely asking how that person is. I've started answering honestly when people ask how I am, whether they meant for me to answer truthfully or not. It bothers me that most people could really care less how people are doing. Are we really that self-absorbed? The minute I answer honestly and say that I've been better because of such and such..they freeze up as if they didn't really care to know. The only purpose of "Hi how are you?" was to greet me and move on.
This is not to say every person isn't sincere about this common greeting, but the level of awkward I've seen reached because I answer truthfully is almost comical. I first noticed this when we had a German Exchange Student 6 or so years back. She was amazed at how casually people threw around the phrase "Hi how are you." She told me that she'd start to answer and get cut off because the American's just used it as a greeting, instead of genuinely asking as the raw form of the sentence suggests. Ever since then I've made an effort to ask and answer honestly. It's funny though, when you're going through tough times and that honest answer comes out, so few people know how to respond.
Sometimes I go off on tangents...apologies.
Some say it's downhill from here, apparently the second half is the quickest...and I sure hope they're right.
It's time for us to know what being husband and wife is really like. I'm sure that sounds bad to some of you, but think about it..all we know is countdowns and separations during our marriage. How do we really know what it's like to live as an every day married couple? Our normal is pixelated Skype dates and sending love through care packages. I'm so ready to have an answer for someone when they ask me what married life is like.
Mr.. if you're listening [and I know you are] I love you noodles and I miss you oodles.
"I find the map and draw a straight lineOver rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases of distant dark places"