deployment sucks

don't read if you aren't in the mood for deployment woes.

Most days I try to keep positive, especially since this here blog is so public, and who really wants to read some negative nelly blog entry every time you pop on over?  But then I remind myself why I blog and though I love my readers..I blog for me.  And today me hates deployment.

I realized the other day that I'm just over halfway done with this stuff.

Part of me is leaping out of my chair, excited to say I'm over halfway done..but there's still a large part of me that fights against that rational side.  As much as I try not to, I still get down and have my pity parties..I guess I should say that sometimes I even enjoy throwing them for myself because I feel deserving. Is that bad? The closer his R&R gets..the further away it feels. How cliche, brain of mine. Yes, I consider myself lucky we get R&R but I still think how it's such a short time together compared to the 6 or so more months we'll be spending apart.

6 more months of trying desperately to make plans everyday so I don't sit at home by myself
6 more months of staring at a computer screen of dropped calls and a pixelated husband.
6 more months of friends trying to say "they understand" because their boyfriend/husband is away at college, gone camping for a WHOLE weekend or went on a month long trip for job training.  Sorry friends, you don't understand and I really don't want you to try and reassure me that you do. I admit that I prefer hanging out with girls in long-distance relationships over happily nesting newlyweds, but it still gets to me sometimes. Should I feel bad about that? Maybe so. But we're speaking honestly here.
6 more months of being asked the same annoying questions "how's married life? often do you get to talk? he safe?...when does he come home?" and my absolute favorite comment "oh, a year long deployment? that's not so bad!" (yea just a measly year..12 short months...let's send your husband away for a year if it's no biggie to you)
6 more months of worrying about his safety.
6 more months of wishing I didn't have to see another happy couple.
6 more months of living vicariously through Army Wives.
6 more months of stupid stupid deployment.

I wish I could say that everyday was fairy tales and romance being married to a soldier. But it's not.    Some days are better than others, but some days I'd rather just barricade myself indoors and watch hours of Netflix.

Something funny that I've noticed lately is the casual use of the phrase "Hi how are you?"  We throw it around like it's a greeting instead of sincerely asking how that person is. I've started answering honestly when people ask how I am, whether they meant for me to answer truthfully or not. It bothers me that most people could really care less how people are doing. Are we really that self-absorbed? The minute I answer honestly and say that I've been better because of such and such..they freeze up as if they didn't really care to know.  The only purpose of "Hi how are you?" was to greet me and move on. 

This is not to say every person isn't sincere about this common greeting, but the level of awkward I've seen reached because I answer truthfully is almost comical. I first noticed this when we had a German Exchange Student 6 or so years back. She was amazed at how casually people threw around the phrase "Hi how are you." She told me that she'd start to answer and get cut off because the American's just used it as a greeting, instead of genuinely asking as the raw form of the sentence suggests.  Ever since then I've made an effort to ask and answer honestly.  It's funny though, when you're going through tough times and that honest answer comes out, so few people know how to respond. 

Sometimes I go off on tangents...apologies.

Some say it's downhill from here, apparently the second half is the quickest...and I sure hope they're right.
It's time for us to know what being husband and wife is really like. I'm sure that sounds bad to some of you, but think about it..all we know is countdowns and separations during our marriage.  How do we really know what it's like to live as an every day married couple? Our normal is pixelated Skype dates and sending love through care packages. I'm so ready to have an answer for someone when they ask me what married life is like.

Mr.. if you're listening [and I know you are] I love you noodles and I miss you oodles. 


"I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases of distant dark places"


  1. i love this.
    i love that you have written so openly.
    thank you,
    and also, i love snow patrol! :)

    i really hope time does fly for you,



  2. Hang in there. I know exactly how you feel -- I've never had time move more slowly in my entire life. I hate the "Is he safe?" response is now, "Well what's your definition of safe? He's in a war zone." I usually get an awkward puzzled look. Someone also told me she is "right there with me" because her fiance has to stay across the country for 3 months before he can move with her. Talk about irritating.

  3. honesty is the best policy, no? :) i'm sorry for your down day, it's so normal to have ups and downs, good and bad days. It's NOT easy living this military life and however you have to deal with it is fine. I'm sorry people don't really listen when they ask "how are you" i hadn't thought about that, it's sooo true!! and besides what human is always always positive? if they are, they're a watch out. ;D
    I hope you have a better day, i hope snuggling that baby helped, and maybe break up the days in ur mind. I laugh at my husband when he says stuff like, "well by next thur, just add 10 more days, and then it's only 20 more days after that" or things like that he says, instead of saying how long in one clump, cuz he has to break it down for himself mentally so in a strange way it doesn't seem as long, or at least he can get to the next small break.
    love you girlie, i think that's what netflix, chocolate and ice cream are for anyway...our barricade days!

  4. Well we are 2 months in our first deployment and i was wondering is this ever gonna get easier.. I guess the answer truly is not really.. I totally understand how you feel! This past 2 months feels like an eternity and its just beginning for us!

  5. I am sorry you are having a tough time right now, I wanted to say something to you about when he does come home and you do get to "live as husband and wife" first let me preface this with my husband and I were married for 2 months before he started training to leave and we had a baby a week before he deployed the first time. I have been there! When he comes home do not let yourself get upset if its not everything you thought it should be, its hard to meld two lives together anyway, but when you have been seperated by deployment its a whole new ballgame. There will be differences of opinions on the simpliest daily tasks and how they should be done, but thats ok- its doesn't have to be all wine and roses, its real life and I know for me thats what I miss the most when my husband deploys, just real life. Hang in there girl, you are already stronger than you were 6 months ago- think of the super woman you will be in another 6

  6. oh my gosh, nicole :/ this post made me cry like no other. i am glad that you decided to open up and write about what you WANT to write about. what you're thinking and feeling and going through.

    that is so sad about how Americans greet each other. sad and TRUE. i experienced that when ethan was gone at boot camp; anytime anyone asked how i was doing, i would break down crying and then get that same reaction you talk about. "oh crap, i didn't REALLY want to know how you're doing." it's sad, really, and i admire how you've decided to be different than those people.

    i'm sorry that you haven't yet got to experience marriage life to the fullest...that you have to see the man you love from thousands of miles away. it breaks my heart and i wish there was an easier way around it.

    i hope you get to experience marriage life for what it truly is soon. i hope that the second half of deployment goes by quickly and smoothly and that you get to be back with your hubby once again.

    i love you girl, and i hope you know that, even though i may not understand, i am only a text or a phone call away. :)

  7. Your honesty is awesome.

    Deployments absolutely suck. At least you know, in the milblogging world, no one will ask you those stupid questions or tell you it's easy. It's not. But I do hope it goes by faster for you both.

  8. I would go insane if I had to do what you are doing, so YES throw yourself a pity party or two, you deserve it!!

  9. Stupid deployment. No one knows deployment till they've lived it. I haven't had to go through one yet, but I want to extend my love. I can't wait to hear about the days when you and your man get to live marriage to its fullest. Dirty dishes and all!

    Your song quotation reminds me of one from Death Cab for Cutie:

    I wish the world was flat like the old days
    Then i could travel just by folding a map
    No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
    There'd be no distance that could hold us back.

    Hugs from South Texas!! xo

  10. thank you for just putting out there exactly how I have been feeling!! very well said.

  11. Thinking of you... =( Even though my hubby has never been on one I hate deployments too. {can I say that?} Just because of how hard they are for lovely wives like you. You can do it though!! HANG TIGHT!!!

  12. oh my gosh I love that last line about the noodles and oodles :) I can't relate since Mr. Charming isn't deployed...yet :/ but I agree with people complaining that their husbands are gone for like a week or 2 annoying! I can't even imagine what you're going through but stay strong you two are an amazing couple and will have the best reunion ever! Love you!

  13. LOVE your post.... so very true. It's been 78 days since I've seen my boyfriend and I'm envious of where you are in your deployment. Thanks for being so strong and for showing all your readers what a true deployment looks like.

    Alyssa -

  14. You are so real. I love that about ya. I ache for you. And I care for you. Hang tight. You're doing a wonderfully strong job. *Hugs*

  15. aww i'm so sorry love.
    a year is HARD!
    that's long.
    a friend with several children just had her husband go away for a whole month for training a few states away. psh, i can't even imagine a YEAR.

    i truly hope the second half goes faster.

  16. We should do an Army Wives marathon on Monday full of the MOST unhealthy snacks we can possibly imagine:) I'm also thinking that I'm gonna start answering people honestly when they ask me how I am. Thanks for the idea.

    And I hope so badly this second half goes by quick for both of you. I can't wait for you to finally be able to answer the married life question.

    Praying for you and Mr <3

  17. I've been having a lot of pity parties lately too, they're not so fun. I know what you mean about R&R, Hubby's is so soon yet sooooo far away, I feel like since it's summer, it should already be R&R!