conversations with jeff // v.4

This husband of mine constantly keeps me laughing, And he never fails to remind me how many years he's added onto my life by doing so! Please enjoy my day-to-day conversations with this silly guy.

+++

Jeff: I think I'd look good with a pony tail, it would be different, it's kind of bohemian. 

Me: I don't think so.

Jeff: You've been wrong before. 

+

[Jeff on Twitter] 

Jeff: How do I say something on here?

Me: Use your wit, you're hilarious

Jeff: No. Literally, how do I say something on here? Where is it?

+

Me: You haven't posted anything on Instagram in over a month

Jeff: I know, I'm having a creative block

+

Me: Hey will you throw my clothes in the dryer since you're over there?

Jeff: Sure, but everything is going in the dyer! Including your sweatshirt. You're going to get bacon zipper!

+

[Jeff dancing around like crazy] 

Jeff: Man I'm tired, Jazzercise is REAL.

+

[Shopping around in West Elm]

Jeff: $150 for a DUVET COVER? We're not the Prince of Persia here!

+

[On Pringles]

Jeff: I knew once I popped I couldn't stop. 

+

Jeff: Hey, do I have any other nieces?

Me: Nope, just one.

Jeff: Okay. Lina you're my favorite niece!

+

Jeff: Should we name our future son Maxwell? 

Me: Sure that's a cute name.

Jeff: Actually let's go with Maximus. Maximus Greenwald...gotta set him up for success. 

+

Jeff: You know what I could get down on right now? A gallon of milk. 

+

Me: Hey what do you think of this edit?

Jeff: I mean your aperture is great, but your contrast ratio is a bit off. Is that the right way to critique? 

Me: I applaud the effort.

+

[After me reading him a conversation my friend had with her son, that she had posted on Facebook]

Jeff: So wait, am I like your child? You always write down what I say and post it places!

+++

v.1 || v.2 || v.3 

Jeff watches the Bachelorette (v.1)

Every Monday night my friend Nicole and I have a girl's night and watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette. Be it that his friends are busy, or just pure unlucky-ness...every now and again Jeff will get stuck watching it with us.

The comments made during last night's episode of Bachelorette were just TOO good not to document. So I give you the first installment of "Jeff Watches the Bachelorette."

Me: Did you see Arie's tweet last night about the awkward two-on-one?

Nicole: No I can't wait though

Jeff: Arie's on this sea....crap. 

Me and Nicole: What?

Jeff: I know who Arie is, and that sucks.

One of the guys hanging out with Des

me: I like him! He's goofy!

Jeff: why? He's Guido

Group Date

Nicole L: They all have sweatshirts from Target...WHY are they all wearing sweatshirts from Target?

Des said it was her first time in Europe and she was so excited about it

Jeff: First time in Europe? LIAR! She just went there with Sean last season!

When Chris finds out he gets the one-on-one and gets super excited about it

Jeff: He's such a girl!

Me: I think it's cute he's so excited to have a date with Des

Jeff: You don't like menly men do you Des? He won't take care of your family and chop down a tree to make a fire and keep you warm! He'll probably bake you a loaf of bread and butter it and you'll have to make the fire to cook it on yourself!

Bryden watching Des and Chris Dance around
Jeff: Creeper. WHY is he so creepy?

Des takes a picture by a little clown

Jeff: Oh, he's a midget! 

Des walks out in a sparkly dress

Me and Nicole: she looks so gorgeous in that dress! I love the sparkles

Jeff: I hate it. There's way too many sparkles.

Nicole: But don't you think she looks pretty in it?

Jeff: Only if she didn't touch me, I don't want sparkles all over me!

[She gives Chris a hug]

Jeff: Sparkles, all over him.

Jeff: This show is what's wrong with men. 

Des going up the gondola in foggy mountains

Des: It's like we're in a cloud!

Jeff: Well, you ARE in a cloud...

Zak waiting for one-on-one time with Des behind her and James
Jeff: WHY why are they all so creepy. 

Each of the guys is singing with a yodeler

Des: I just love how these guys are so open to trying new things!

Jeff: NO they're forced

Jeff fasts forward through commercials "There's still an HOUR left?" ten minutes later he's asleep on the ground. 

+ Love that silly boy of mine :)  

conversations with jeff & other people // v.3

It's time for another installment of Conversations with Jeff...& other people, except this week it's just Jeff! I've started a notes folder on my iPhone with all the weird things he says, so every time I pull up the yellow screen he rolls his eyes b/c he knows where his words will soon appear...I just love this husband of mine and his quirky self....I don't know why I didn't start documenting the conversations we have, sooner :)

[jeff singing in a vibrato voice]

me: you should be on worship team [joking]

jeff: don't be silly. i don't have a Christian voice, it's too saucy.

//

jeff: i bought myself a little lunch treat

me: bagel dogs?

jeff: no

me: corn-dogs?

jeff: i'd get down on a corn-dog or two 

//

[watching tierra on the bachelor, 2 diff episodes]

jeff: she can't control her face! she has a sparkle...

jeff: why do they want her to say good morning so bad?

//

me: my arm hurts for some reason

jeff: it's your wing again isn't it?

[see v.1]

//

[watching Ellen]

jeff: who was the band?

me: tegan & sara

jeff: oh i love tegan & sara!

me: you don't even know what they sound like

jeff: i know they sound like girls 

//

[in regard to this video]

jeff: but seriously...i got the most motion in my tata's

//

[talking about turbo yawning]

jeff: he's so yawny

me: i was just gonna say that!

jeff: i call him yawny depp sometimes

//

[trying to get out of chores b/c he has homework] 

jeff: i dont have time to fold laundry!

me: but you have time to play games & go on a walk?

jeff: i had to wind down! now i have enough energy to flow from my brain into my finger tips to create chemical genius in writing

and THAT, my friends, is my life every day :) 

v.1 // v.2 

Conversations with jeff and other people // v.2

It's fair to say I encountered weird this week. I can't quite put a finger on why said weird is drawn to me, but the conversations I had with people just blew me away. It's a long one guys, but definitely worth the read.

jeff: I gave blood today!

me: how patriotic of you.
jeff: [shows me free shirt] I really just needed new clothes, and this is my first graphic-tee!
me: that's great, you should wear it
jeff: I gotta finish my coke first, I saved a life today, you know...

[I use alarms to remind me for EVERYTHING because I'm quite forgetful]

coworker: Hey is your phone the one with the dog on it?
me: Yup, is it ringing?
coworker: Well sorta...it has a "heart, two people holding hands and BC" I think it's time..
(realizes birth control alarm is FAR too recognizable to the public eye)
me: Thanks, that's an important one for sure!

**next day**

[my phone is in the back room while I'm working on the floor helping customers]

coworker: Your alarm is going off
me: What time is it? shoot, yea it is...my bad
coworker 10 mins later: Were you going to turn that alarm off?
me: ahh YES! sorry about that.
manager: It's THAT time of the day Nicole!
*side eye* awkward...

me: awesome, I only work until 5:45 on Valentine's Day!
jeff: when's Valentine's Day again?
me: the 14th, obviously
jeff: that's not good, I planned a LOT of things to do on February 14th. I'm going to the range, playing golf in the morning..and, wait isn't it on the 12th this year?
me: real funny

[gross lady running, literally running out of the bathroom at Starbucks]

gross lady: [staring wide eyed at me as she opens b-room door] it wasn't me, it wasn't me! I washed my hands in the sink and there wasn't no toilet papers
me: enters scene of toilet paper thrown all over bathroom, sink left running, mounds of disgusting piling over the toilet seat and a stench that might take years to forget.
gross lady: continues running through store lobby, straight out the door
...it was her

[setting the scene] sitting on my couch editing pictures with our front door open because it's nice outside

little girl: excuse me!
me: hi there how can i help you?
little girl: my friends and i are starting a club, a dog walking club...can i walk your dog for free?
me: oh that's so sweet but i don't think we need a dog walking service right now, good luck with your club!
[insert random 60 year old man riding bike]
random man: hi excuse me miss...forgive me if i'm being intrusive, but have you lived in this house for like 40 years?
me: um no I have not
random man: 20 years?
me: [feeling nervous] ummm no
random man: oh oh oh okay um yea so i'm looking for this place [starts describing a house with a pickup truck and some random bush and driveway] and so i'm looking for this place, i was kind of famous like 40 years ago and i kind of got like abducted. you know how it is when you're famous..people treat you different and you have to change your last name and stuff. well anyway, you know the house i'm talking about right?
me: i'm sorry i don't think i can help you sir
random man: okay yea yea sorry um i dont mean to hassle you, i just was famous and you might know me, if you saw me on tv or something..just thought you might recognize me. have a nice day, sorry to be intrusive.
[little girl still standing there]
little girl: he's lying! you shouldn't believe people like that, unless you see him on tv...then you can totally believe he's an actor
me: yea hopefully we don't see him anymore...thanks for offering your dog walking services, good luck with that!
little girl: i also have a boyfriend and i'm 11 and he spent $200 on this ring..okay see you later

[i went inside and called the PD, don't worry guys]

do you guys encounter such weird things throughout the week or is it just me?!

click here for (v.1)

Conversations with Jeff and Starbucks drinkers // v.1

Sometimes I have odd, hilarious, share-worthy conversations with people, and I think you should hear about them. Working at Starbucks has given me prime opportunity for said conversations, and being married to Jeff has it's bonuses as well. 

Starbucks
[setting the scene] i'm on bar at work making drinks, and small talk with customers who approach.

me: hi there! how's your day going?
lady slumped over on edge: meh, i'm okay
me: just okay?!
lady slumped over on edge: yeah, i just had my fourth colonoscopy
me: [begins to feel awkward and focus on drinks instead of conversation] yikes, sorry to hear that..i hope this coffee makes your day better!
lady slumped over on edge: yeah, i've had four now..if i didn't mention that already, and i have to have them every 6 months for the rest of my life, you really never know what they'll find up there. they make you drink these soap flushing drinks the night before and oh my goodness...
me: [cuts off lady by handing out her beverage] good luck with that, have a nice day! 

Husband 
[setting the scene] i have extra bone growth on my left arm..it's weird, i know. you can't see it though..so let's move on :)

me: i think i slept on my arm wrong
jeff: is your wing bugging you?
me: my wing? oh, my extra bone growth?
jeff: yea, you're like an underdeveloped chicken


Starbucks
customer: hi, what milks do you offer?
me: hi there! we offer 2% as our standard, or your choice of non-fat, half and half, heavy cream, whole milk, or soy milk. 
customer: you guys really should offer more, what about almond milk and 1%milk?

me: there's no room in our fridges for more than the SIX types we already offer, ma'am [don't worry, i always approach these types in the sweetest form possible]

Husband
jeff: hey are you dressing up for halloween?
me: um probably not..are you?
jeff: yea i'll probably be like uh body builder because i wont have to buy anything...you know? :) 
me: good one..where'd you hear that?
jeff: i made it up earlier today, thought it would be pretty funny


Husband
jeff: Would it freak you out if i told you there was a spider nest up here?
me: YES
jeff: Okay, then i won't tell you there's two.


My Dad [just for fun]
dad: hey see the girl over there with the dual pony tails?

me: umm you mean pig tails?
dad: oh ya, is that what they call'm these days?

You can read other funny conversations floating around blog world like this one, this one and this one for more laughs :)