The art of losing myself in bringing You praise

This post might ramble on and make absolutely no sense to you, whoever you are that's reading this. But I have been thinking lately and sometimes writing out those thoughts almost feels like I'm talking to someone on the other end. So whoever you are on the other end, thanks for listening and caring about my thoughts. As I write this, I have you in mind and it feels like you're sitting on the other side of your computer screen nodding your head, listening with great intent, and sipping your tea. So, thanks and please, sip on.

I've been thinking about my life, where I'm at, where I'm going, fears, contentment vs. motivation, and how all of these things add up to my overall purpose in this life. I've considered what it is I want to fill my mind with, and things that I don't think I need to fill my mind with. I sometimes feel a lot of pressure from people and the media to be a certain way, and anything outside of that is less than standard. But it's really hard to keep up with people and life in general sometimes. There's a constant need to progress with the times, and stay current on whatever it is that you're expected to know. And to me, sometimes this need for progression may cause you to lose track of your real purpose. It's so easy to become obsessed with looking the part, being the best, beating the competition, living the "dream" etc.

My purpose in this life is to serve others, and show them the love of Christ. Plain and simple. I want my time here to be driven by that. I never ever want to forget where my blessings come from. Nothing that I do should ever come from a place that lifts ME up. I must decrease so that HE can increase [John 3:30].

When I think of my life in terms of this, everything seems to fall into place. I've removed the control from my own hands and placed it into a something bigger and so much greater than me. I'm not awesome at this, every day. Not even close. In fact, I must daily shift my focus and battle the idea that I'm here to serve others and not myself. I'm here to show the love of Christ to my friends and family. I'm not here to have a really cute apartment and take rad pictures so that I can look like I have it all together.

We are in the season of lent right now. It's fairly common among us "religious" folk to give up something for the 40 days before Easter. Well I showed up late to the party because I was probably too busy focusing on myself rather than my Heavenly Father....so I popped in around 30 days. Better late than never, they say. So for the 30 days before Easter I've set my focus on reading through the entirety of the gospels. We're currently working through a blended gospel study at my church, detailing the life of Jesus, how He lived, and discovering who He claimed to be. It's my hope and my experience so far that I'll learn to better model the life that Jesus lived while I'm here on Earth. Because that my friends, is what it's about.

And if church and Jesus aren't really your thing, I get that. We all come from different paths and I don't want you to think I'm preaching at you. I'm agreeing with your chant of serving other people, together. I'll do it in the name of Christ, and you can do it in the name of love, and we can hold hands and serve others, together :)  I have learned so much about myself in 2014 so far, and much of it is due to consciously shifting my focus daily. I want to live a purpose driven life [what's up Rick Warren? church girl joke]. I want to lift up the name of Christ no matter what I do. I want to bring positivity into the lives of my friends, my clients, my family, and all those who cross paths with me. I am working toward this, daily. Matthew 16:24 reminds us that we must daily deny ourselves and pick up the cross so that we might follow Jesus.

And six paragraphs later, I think it's time to curl up in bed. Besides, you're probably all out of tea by this point. Friend, let's serve others together in the name of Christ, in the name of love, in the name of doing what's right, and being purposeful stewards with our lives.

19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:

20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:

-Matthew 6:19&20

If you don't know where to start

Sitting down for a daily devotional time has always been a struggle of mine. And before you click the "X" in the top corner because you're not trying to read another boring blog post about church and Bibles, just hang with me for a minute. It's never been that I didn't believe, or that I sought to discover truths elsewhere. In fact, there have been brief periods in life where my personal study time was thriving and my Jesus thumping heart was popping out of my chest. But like most people, that excitement fades in and out over time when life picks up and more or less, gets in the way. However, I think there were multiple factors involved in my lack of Bible reading.

You see, I grew up with Bible teaching Christians all around me. I grew up in a Baptist church [until 8th grade] and went to a highly conservative Christian school starting in 5th grade. It wasn't until my freshman year in high school that I ventured into a world quite unfamiliar to me, that of public school where political correctness and talking about Jesus didn't really coincide. That year of my life is another blog post in and of itself, so I won't get into that right now. Needless to say, I found my way back to the conservative Christian school and into my comfort zone of Bible teaching Christians.

There were a LOT of things I didn't agree with in my private school and even more things I didn't agree with from the Baptist church I grew up in. But the constant presence of "good people," and the Bible really put me into a comfort zone of sorts. It was so easy to keep up on everything because it was fed to me everywhere I looked.

This isn't a post to say that I lost it once I stepped into the real world because I had been so sheltered all of my life. In fact, that couldn't be further from the truth because I had an amazing support system of friends and wonderful parents that didn't "hide" the real world from me during my youth. But it is a post to say that I lost my groove for a period of time.

There were months, if not years where I didn't open my Bible outside of church. I would leave my Bible in the car just to avoid the guilt I faced each time I saw it sitting on my nightstand collecting dust. Rest assured, I'd remove the dust each Sunday morning so it didn't stare me straight in the face while I sat in church. During this so to speak dry spell, it wasn't that I stopped believing. But the thought of opening my Bible and digging into it just seemed daunting. I mean, I had to do this on my own now. I had to figure out what stuff meant and how genealogies connected, which translation was correct and decide where to start.

The all to familiar stories like Noah's Ark, Jesus feeding the five thousand, and The good Samaritan became fuzzy to me and facing the facts that I had actually forgotten details surrounding some of the most "famous" stories in the Bible embarrassed me. So instead of trying to remember these stories I just shut down and decided it was just "too confusing," to seek out answers. Instead, I read a lot of really good Christian books. I let other authors do the hard part. Instead of opening the Bible for myself, I relied on some of the best Christian authors to interpret who Jesus was to me. Woops.

God has been working on my heart for the last few months though. He's been working on it in so many ways that I had no idea even needed "working." He's really shown me the importance of opening the Bible and reading it. Not opening a book from your favorite Christian author and reading it, not listening to sermons from your Pastor on podcast, but the Bible. Don't allow another person to interpret who God is to you. Find out who God is on your own! It's great that Max Lucado and Beth Moore have created such a wonderful line of helpful books to read. But that's really all they are, just books with slanted opinions. The things mentioned above are all wonderful tools that help us grow, but they should never replace the good old fashioned concept of actually opening your Bible.

So if you're like me and looking at your Bible scares you and seems daunting, just know that it's normal. It's a huge book full of history, stories, love, grace, and so many other things. But the secret I've discovered in the last few weeks is just doing it. Something changed in my heart and I decided that I was tired of saying no so I just said yes!

I found an amazing online community of other women studying the Bible called She Reads Truth. The studies from SRT have been really encouraging and I'm so glad that God dropped that gem into my lap. I also picked up a Daily Reading Bible from the bookstore which will take me through the entire Bible in one year. I don't remember the last time I was this excited to read the Bible every day, but something clicked and God really stirred up a desire in my heart to see this goal through.

So, if you don't know where to start, just start at the beginning. I encourage you to make it easier on yourself and grab a daily reading Bible or a One Year Bible as a tool to help you dive in! I've found that in just the few weeks that I've started doing these things I've seen huge changes in my spirit, and I know you will too :)

Let's intentionally love who we are, shall we?

Comparison is a dangerous area to dip your toes in, yet somehow we all fall prey to it's tight grip on us. As an individual in a creative industry, fighting to make myself "stand out" among the rest of them, I find that I constantly compare my work, and myself to everybody else. Those little comparisons creep in, ummmm...daily. "I need to blog more, I need to have better material, my website is lame, my instagram isn't always cohesive like hers, my time management blows sometimes, I need more photo shoots, I hate that I still have a day-job, HOW do I organize my book keeping better like all of them...bla bla bla," insecurities, and comparisons daily. I'm no stranger to the ball park of "Everybody else is better than me, I should step up my game."

But you know what? I'm working as hard as I can to be the best person I can, serve my clients as best I can, make a caramel latte the best that I can and serve my friends and family with all that I have. So while I may not be as great as "so and so" and have a cohesive instagram and flawless brand for my business, I need to remember that having it all together isn't actually a truth for anyone. I know it's probably silly to say that because obviously we all know there isn't a person on this planet that totally has their life or business together perfectly. But sometimes vocalizing that truth helps it to sink in a bit deeper.

I'm an imperfect person, striving to be a perfectionist...where's the logic in that? God has given me and you specialized talents. We help each other grow in these areas by being as awesome as we know how at our given talents. We aren't expected to be perfect because God is the perfect One. Our job is to work hard to the best of our abilities, give every bit of praise back to God [you may think you're the most awesome person around, but it was actually God who made you super awesome, so shoot it back to Him mmkay?], and most importantly [well, not as important as giving God your praises, but for the sake of making a point here] love yourself and be proud of yourself. Be totally and completely proud of where you're at in life, and what you've accomplished thus far. It's really okay if it's taken you longer than other people to round out a goal you've been working toward for months or even years.

How cool would it be if when God looked down here at all of His children playing in this big ol' world, He saw us playing together nicely, encouraging one another and loving who we are? Loving the different journeys that we're on to becoming the people He's designed us to be. I think He would smile a great big smile and sigh happy sighs of "My kids get it, they get just how beautiful and perfect they are to me, doing what they were designed to do with the best of their abilities."


Be the best you that you know how to be. And to quote a wise man, “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” -Dr. Suess

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florals by Thistle and Honey Floral 

He left death in His grave

We are celebrating today and everyday that our risen Jesus is alive and sitting on the right hand of the Father! 

40dayfast

I'm twenty days in to our church-wide 40 day fast. Our church elders have been intensely praying over revival in our region and seeking ways that we can be ready when revival hits this place. In doing so, we've joined with other churches for the first 40 days in January of 2013 for a period of prayer and fasting.

I joined in a week late, because I had been praying about what and if I should fast. After a few days I felt God telling me that instagram took up too much of my personal time. Though a lot of people probably think that's crazy...it's more than true. Thus, I've been instagram-less ever since.

Any way, I'm really excited to see where God is leading our region and how He's going to use our church [and many others] in the coming years. We're reading through the powerful book of Isaiah, where Isaiah rips apart and warns His people of God's coming judgement [much like every other book in the Bible]. But it's SO powerful, there's a lot of prophecy of the latter days and Christ's second coming which is rad.

The second coming used to terrify me, and it hasn't been until the last year or two that I've been ready and excited to hear that trumpet and see our King take His throne in the new Jerusalem. I'm seriously stoked.

I just wanted to update on this silent journey of fasting because I've found that my days are much more productive and meaningful now that I've subconsciously made a point to replace insta time with prayer time. It's been a wonderful growing experience, and I'd like to fast from other things through out the year because of it. We shall see what will come of that.

and that's all I have to say about the election

                                       I voted ^^                                                         We suffered defeat but life goes on ^^ ;)

I'm not a very political person, but I do stand by the great country our family sacrificed so much for. So I voted. Not because I understood every proposition on the ballot, and not because I thought Mitt Romney was the bees-knees, but because I care who is the commander in chief, directing our military..my husband. I care about morality and upholding Biblical truths as best we can in government. I value my voice being heard, though it's somewhat muted in the liberal land of California...I value it none the less and will continue to offer my vote.

With that being said I wouldn't be totally honest if I said I was excited about America's choice in leadership for the coming four years. I can't give you any rich arguments on foreign policy or any long term economic policy plans that send me to a fit of rage. But I do fear that our nation is walking a fine line on issues of morality. I'm not Mormon, but I do know a decent amount about the church and their stance on morality. So, I would have been happy to have someone who upheld moral standards taught in their church..in office, if my only other choice was Obama. I thought Mitt would be our guy, steering us toward the not so popular moral standards we once upheld. Could I be wrong? Sure, but it was worth giving it a try. Obamacare makes me nervous too. Like really nervous.

But among the political arguments, party bashing, and relentless ad campaigns..I am reminded that Jesus is still King over all and that puts my heart and mind at ease.

A sweet friend of mine posted a collaboration of encouraging status updates on facebook and I was especially encouraged by her words and by the words of other believers she chose to include

"No matter who leads the country, there is only One who will lead me.
"I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, declares the Lord, who is, and who was, and who is to come..."

"tonight was disappointing, yes. but seeing posts like the ones below have reminded me of so much. that God has not changed. that Jesus is still King. that the world is still beautiful. that He is still making all things new."

"on a night like this, I would rather be in Aslan's country. the best part, though? one day, i will be. and it will be eternity with the Lion of Judah in command. oh praise Him."

WOW. 

I am so blessed to have people like her in my life. Simple posts like those bring things back into perspective. Our Lord is sovereign over all and no political candidate can take that away. 

I may not be happy with the outcome, but I have peace tonight because I know God's plan is bigger and SO much better than any bubble I filled in on a paper ballot. 

Human Sex Trafficking

I usually try and keep the content around here fairly light and encouraging, but today's going to be a little different! For one of my classes this semester we were asked to describe a contemporary American cultural issue and participate in two forms of activism to then hopefully transform this issue. I decided to use my blog as one avenue for activism since I have 200+ followers. I figure it'll reach a decent crowd, and possibly tug on someone's heart. 

I had never given much thought to contemporary cultural issues happening around me, which is somewhat embarrassing to admit, but it's the truth. I know there's a large homeless community in the area, there's major upheaval over the recent budget cuts to higher-ed, and bullying is at the forefront of news reports at least once every few months. While these are all terrible things, nothing really pulled me in, making me feel as though I should dedicate time and research to it. 

Then, one girl in our class mentioned human trafficking. I immediately thought this was something I could pour a decent amount of study into, especially since California harbors 3 of FBI’s 13 highest child sex trafficking areas in the nation: Los Angeles, San Francisco, and San Diego [source]. This bit of research completely shocked me and I began to feel saddened that these things are happening near home, where people and especially children are supposed to feel safe. There's so many horrific things happening in our world today and it's impossible to be an activist for everything, but something about innocent people being robbed of their lives because some cruel person decided they needed to feel empowered just made me sick. Now I'm not jumping on any bandwagons here and becoming an over night activist, but I do think any opportunity to raise awareness should be taken advantage of.

[source]

So with this post, I hope to raise some awareness to a community that may or may not be aware of the horrendous crimes taking place around them everyday. These are silent crimes, but they exist and someone needs to speak on behalf of the innocent individuals who are suffering if this can ever be stopped.

Through research I've found that there are two forms of trafficking. There's both sex trafficking and labor trafficking.

Sex trafficking: the recruitment, harboring, transportation, provision, or obtaining of a person for the purpose of a commercial sex act , in which a commercial sex act is induced by force, fraud, or coercion, or in which the person forced to perform such an act is under the age of 18 years [source].

Labor Trafficking: the recruitment, harboring, transportation, provision, or obtaining of a person for labor or services, through the use of force, fraud or coercion for the purpose of subjection to involuntary servitude, peonage, debt bondage or slavery [source].

For the purpose of this project, the majority of my focus will be on sex trafficking.

Most victims are trafficked to the United States from Asia, Central and South America, and Eastern Europe. These victims are subject to force, fraud, and/or coercion in order to get them overseas. One of the most heart breaking factors is that majority of victims can't speak English which in turn means they cannot communicate with law enforcement officials once they come to America. In their greatest time of need, they're at the will of their abductor simply because they can't break the language barrier.

One of the scarier truths I came upon through research is the methods by which traffickers keep their victims here. Some traffickers keep their victims under lock and key. However, the more frequent practice is to use less obvious techniques including:

• Debt bondage - financial obligations, honor-bound to satisfy debt
• Isolation from the public - limiting contact with outsiders and making sure that any contact is monitored or superficial in nature
• Isolation from family members and members of their ethnic and religious community
• Confiscation of passports, visas and/or identification documents
• Use or threat of violence toward victims and/or families of victims
• The threat of shaming victims by exposing circumstances to family
• Telling victims they will be imprisoned or deported for immigration violations if they contact authorities
• Control of the victims' money, e.g., holding their money for "safe-keeping" [source].

So I did a little researching and came upon the non-profit, "Not For Sale." I really like what they stand for and if God were to lead me down this path, I would consider partnering with them. On their website they state a few things that will need to change in order to end this slavery. The main thing being awareness. This will come from people acknowledging this hidden crime is present today. It's such a hidden crime right now that less than 1% of victims are ever identified. This needs to change.

"We need to shift to a paradigm that recognizes the possibility of slavery in order to be able to identify it. When the paradigm shifts, a new wave of activists will respond in creative ways" - Not For Sale.

I don't expect that any of you will jump off your couch and become an activist for stopping human sex trafficking, by simply reading this post. I'm not even planning to become a dedicated activist myself because I haven't felt the Lord calling me to at this point in time. But, raising awareness is something I can stand for. I can be reminded of these statistics and support further research. It may seem like there's nothing we can do to stop these things from happening. But there are a few things you and I can both do. Write posts like these to raise awareness. Tweet articles you find using [hashtag]stophumantrafficking. Contact your local church and find out what types of ministries they have to support those trafficked, and if they don't yet have something started maybe you can be the one to encourage it. However, the most important thing we can do is pray. Pray for the victims who are suffering today. Pray for the child whose innocence was taken from them so gruesomely. Pray for the mother who was ripped from her family so unexpectedly. Pray for the man who feels cheated and lost because he must submit to his abductor. These things are happening all around us, and it's easy to forget, but let's remember today. Say a prayer for these victims after you read this post. If that's all you can do, that's okay. There's power in prayer and we need to bring power back to those suffering.

Yahweh

Our Lord, Yahweh is here to stay..what comfort we have in knowing this. Faithful God, you're here to stay. He's faithful, oh is he ever faithful. I've weathered some storms through the past few months..nothing serious in the scheme of life, but average storms..and my Lord has been so faithful to me. Reminding me of His love through the sunshine beaming through my windows each morning, through the perseverance He's given me. I see Him cheering for me each time I choose HIM. My heart is so full knowing I was created by an ever faithful, all knowing, all loving..eternal Father.

Faithful. That word appears in so many worship songs, and scriptures. It's been a constant reminder to me lately. Be faithful in showing others the love of Jesus..I feel that tug at my heart. As soon as I feel the temptation creep in.. to go against something the Lord wouldn't stand for I try reminding myself of His faithfulness and that I should mirror that. Even in the moments where it feels like you're alone..when you want to give up He's rooting for you to keep pushing..keep going..because He's here, with us. He's walking next to you and me every single day...His steps precede our own. Nothing is a surprise to our Savior so why do we worry? He's here..active in our daily, sitting beside us..writing that paper with us, sitting in traffic with us, holding you as the tears fall down your cheeks. He's faithful, so very faithful. I hope you are blessed by this song as much as I have been. Yahweh...

a yearning

And while sometimes we hear the faint whisper of our Heavenly Father through scriptures or praise..other times we hear it through creation and the light breeze that tickles your face as you stand in a field among blowing brush and wisping tree limbs. We hear Him call out to us, yearning for our hearts. For we lift our hands in worship toward Him. We bend our knees and bow our heads in honor of Him..the One we call Father.

let's talk about faith

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. - Philippians 4:8

My faith defines me, from the inmost parts of my being. I live my life for God and I strive to show His love to those around me. It's something that nobody is perfect at, obviously, because the only perfect One was Jesus. But, I strive to live as God would want me to. People say being a Christian is hard..but I don't see it that way. It's only hard if you let it get to you when people criticize you. I have so much joy in my life living for my God because He's pretty darn awesome. Who else is available at all hours of the day and night? I can talk to Him whenever I need to and want to. He's so real to me and part of my life that I can't even imagine what it would be like to be without His love. Luckily that's something I'll never know because His love is infinite. Score!

But, sometimes I feel so exhausted by the people at work, school, blogging, and life in general. I feel like I'm supposed to act a certain way, believe certain things because they're "politically correct," or keep my mouth shut when something tugs at my heart for fear that I'll be reprimanded for disagreeing. But that's not what our Lord and Savior has called His people to do. We are called to be different, stand up for what is pure, lovely and admirable. We have been called by name as sons and daughters of a Heavenly King! He's our Faithful High Priest and our lives should reflect this.

I want people to look at me and see something different, something they want..I want to share my love for Jesus with people and help them see there's more to life. My heart hurts for people who don't know my Jesus, my Lord..the only One who can save me.

If we let our hearts dwell on pure and lovely things maybe our lives would be less stressful. Maybe we would be more apt to stand up in circumstances where the red flag stands at attention. Don't let the rules of the world silence your faith. I'm guilty of this just as much as the next person, but I'm seeing a problem with it now. I see the importance of standing up where wrong is clearly endorsed. It feels gross and awful when I see things on TV and in movies that desensitize us. We're so hard to impress these days, there needs to be more violence, more sex, and less morals. I don't understand where we went wrong, but I won't stand for it anymore. There's nothing okay about crude jokes, violence against women or funny dudes on drugs. All that stuff completely clouds the movie industry today and it really saddens me.

I often wonder why people hold back from their beliefs. Why is the fear of rejection more important than the hope of bringing someone to Christ? Shout it from the roof tops that you love Him and live for Him! If someone rejects what you believe..it's not going to kill you. If anything it's planted a seed where later, room for growth might appear. I constantly see this in Christians, myself included and I really don't understand. Our biggest fears are not to offend people or feel rejection, but I think those are lousy excuses. The Lord of this earth created you for something special..He created you for a purpose. That purpose was not to stay silent or be silenced. That purpose was to spread the gospel and show His love in abundant ways. So why must we fear if He's on our side?

Our goal is love. Who doesn't need a little more love in their lives? What's so scary about sharing the love of Christ?

I hope and pray that we as Christians wouldn't be scared of standing up for what's right, that we would voice our beliefs when necessary, and let our Heavenly Father speak through us. If He's the One talking...then what's there to worry about?

Let's spread the love :)

romancing your heart

"Every song you love, every memory you cherish, every moment that has moved you to holy tears has been given to you from the One who has been pursuing you from your first breath in order to win your heart.  God's version of flowers and chocolates and candlelight dinners comes in the form of sunsets and falling stars, moonlight on lakes and cricket symphonies; warm wind, swaying trees, lush gardens, and fierce devotion."
- Captivating

living abundantly

"Christ calls us to do what we cannot, and to be what we are not. 

He is asking us to walk on water.
Peter succeeded in doing that... but only for those seconds when his gaze was locked on Christ's,
and his mind set, as it were, on the 'things above.' 

But when he looked around, he sank."

Elizabeth Ellio.

How powerful is that?

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Let Christ be your focus, to the depth of your soul.

Let His breath be your breath

His heart, your heart

 His way, your way

For only through Him can we accomplish anything.

Only through HIM can we live abundantly.

some thoughts

I won't specify where the thoughts for this post came from, but I'm just throwing my two sense out. It makes my heart ache when people don't treasure a marriage. Marriage was designed and created by our Father in Heaven, representing Christ's love for the church. The distorted view that many people have of this sacred union is really scary to me. It's tossed around like a recreational activity which lends to the polluted view of marriage that many people have today. If only I could talk with a handful of people and catch a glimpse of where these views start and why the treasure of being husband and wife has turned so fowl to some. It might lend to answer the questions I have for them.

edit: This isn't to say I think marriage is easy, or that Mr and I live in a world full of fairy-tales and rainbows. Nor am I blind to the many circumstances where women/men should protect themselves and their children from certain happenings in a marriage, by leaving. This post just stemmed from conversations lately and personal experience. Please know I would never be so naive to think that marriage isn't a two-way road. I also mentioned how I'd love to talk with people that have negative views toward marriage in general to hear their story/understand their reasons. As I stated in the beginning..it's just my two cents, thrown out in my personal blog ;)

Some inspiration from a daily read, Jesus Calling, Mr and I have been reading together:

Through spending time in My Presence, you gain glimpses of My overflowing vastness. These glimpses are tiny foretastes of what you will experience eternally in heaven.

Let My Love envelop your outreach to other people take time to rest in the Love-Light of My Presence.

Ask My Spirit to quiet your mind so that you can think My thoughts.


Buy it, read it and be blessed like I have. Jesus is so fulfilling and overwhelming in the ways He speaks to me. The temptation to go about my day with out acknowledging my Heavenly Father is easy and never intended. But I'm often reminded to stop and just let God.

So for now, I'll continue back to what I was supposed to be doing. However, I don't suppose He minds when we break from our mundane tasks to reflect on His love and purposes for our life.

what i'm loving sunday

to start off this might sound a

bit strange but i'm sure most of you can relate

to feelings like this.

i've never really felt like i had much to 

contribute with my life story.

nothing life changing has ever happened to me

in terms of sickness, death or missions in life.

but i have been dealing with this deployment over

the last few months and amidst prayer and searching

deep in my heart i've wondered if and hoped that this

 is my big moment. the big life changing event.

i'm really hoping it is because Lord willing

i prefer not to touch on the latter.

does that all make sense?

i sure hope so b/c it

sounds a little wonky re-reading it,

can anyone else relate?

well,

 today in church i was reminded of the importance to

embrace my story. 

although much of what i'm going through isn't

in sync to what i had imagined and hoped for in life,

it doesn't really matter because 

God is writing my story, not me.

(thank goodness, right?)

how many times do we refer to ourselves

without ever intending to sound self absorbed?

i can count eight references in that first stanza.

it's inevitable. we live to make ourselves

happier, reassured, better-looking or richer.

it's easy to get caught up in the i me mine world.

as of late, it's been really hard to see the importance

of helping others when i feel so low myself. 

but i was reminded today that my situation can help others. 

and maybe that's why God wrote this chapter in my life story.

it's not always about me, shocker

i know!

when i fall into that low pit of despair from time to time

i'm reminded of other military spouse friends

who are going through a similar situation to my own

and then i feel less alone because 

(though it may be selfish)

someone else has an ache in their 

heart that won't go away

just like i do. 

if it weren't for those precious friends, 

that pit of despair might last longer.

i can be that for someone.

for a girl i may not even know.

my story can help someone. 

i can be the girl you think of when it hurts

because you have to spend another day alone

or because you despise looking at all the happy couples 

around, wishing it could be you.

you can think of me

and feel less alone because 

i've been there

and i'm currently there.

in my ideal world, my husband would be home

and wake up next to me every morning

but the beauty of it all is that

in those desperate hours where the ache is so bad

and i long so much for the embrace of my husband

i can remember that my Creator made me

for something bigger. He allowed this chapter in my life.

my story, while not how i planned it, is absolutely perfect for me

because i'm not writing it.  

and i'm not actually supposed to.

the Creator of this world is the author

and He has uniquely designed it for me and for you.

i don't need to try and understand why

i'm spending my first year of marriage

away from the one i love.

it's all been mapped out in advance.

it really doesn't matter what i want, it matters how i use

the story God has written

to better my relationship with Him

and also help those who need to feel comfort

and be encouraged, by saying

you can do this.

nobody has your story.

so embrace what your Creator has written

uniquely for you

maybe it will bless someone else

and in turn you will find

joy in that.

church wounds

This post is probably going to be somewhat controversial, and maybe not to many people I don't know, but specifically to those I DO know.  With that being said, please know this is not meant to hurt feelings, point fingers, look 'holier than thou,' or burn bridges.  Nor is this post meant to say I'm right and you're wrong. This is simply a post to get out feelings I've harbored inside for quite some time and have come to a place in my life where I'm ready to get them out so I can move on.  It's also really lengthy, so bear with me. I'd really appreciate positive feedback, whether you disagree respectfully or fully agree with me!

I grew up in a very small, independent Baptist church.  Skirts, King James version bibles, hymns, ties, fire and brimstone sermons were all part of this church.  And for many years this was all I knew.  My parents went there, so of course I went there as well.  I had many wonderful friends at this church, and still consider many of those people dear to my heart.  Even still, I knew something about the way worship was portrayed at this church was not fit for me, or the convictions Jesus placed in my heart.  I knew there was more to God than reading "thees" and "thous," and wearing skirts on Sunday mornings.  It was all too idealistic for me, in that "if we do this, this, and this, we are good for the week, oh ya and we're the only right church." It didn't make sense to me that independent Baptist churches were the only right church, as believed by many there.

Around the age of 7 or 8 a lot of my friends started getting baptized.  This outward profession of faith was almost the ticket to being in the "secret club" of this church.  Everyone accepted you after you became a member of the church.  You could then take part in Communion and have your birthday announced in the Sunday bulletin.  But until then, you were the black sheep of the church.  As awful as that sounds, it's exactly how I felt for the duration of my time there.  After my friends had all been baptized at this young age, all eyes turned to me. "Why hasn't she?" "When will she be?"  I was a timid 8 year old little girl and the last thing I wanted to do was stand in front of 100 people [or so] and profess my faith.  It was fear that stopped me at such a young age.

As I grew older and gained more understanding of my faith, I knew going to church was right, and getting baptized was a command from God, but I also knew I never wanted to attend church on Sunday mornings, and I didn't want to be a member of THIS church.  I would fake sick on Sundays just so I wouldn't have to sit through another sermon feeling like the Pastor was yelling at me as he shouted from the pulpit.  I always asked to be excused near the end of each sermon so I could avoid the awkward invitationals, because each week I felt like everyone expected me to go forward and finally get baptized.

It never made sense to me why my little "sin" of not being baptized put such a wall between me and everyone else accepting me.  It really puzzled me when I realized all of the terrible things that teens in our church were taking part in, (drugs, sex and alcohol) yet somehow their sins were overlooked.  Even some adults were living questionable lifestyles outside of church but were not questioned inside church because they were able to put on a good front.  I'm a really honest person and will more than likely tell you my life story if you ask.  I have nothing to hide and to this day, I am bothered by those who live double lives. Everyone struggles with sin, whether it be drugs, cheating, or lying...everyone has something. Why not just admit what it is so others can help you? Why keep up the facade? It has to be eating away at you..ANYWAY sorry to get off on a tangent..I know my choice to not be baptized at their church was viewed as disobedience in their eyes, but was it really disobedient of me to not join a group of believers I didn't agree with? I had no choice of going to another church at the time, because we went to church as a family, no questions asked. 

Some people at this church weren't beyond making someone feel uncomfortable.  I remember one Sunday morning in particular.  There were 4 people [including myself] in my Jr High Sunday school class.  It was the first day in our new class.  All 4 of us had grown up together and everyone knew that I was the only one who had not yet been baptized. Well, the teacher [whom I also grew up with, and had known since birth] decided that his first question to us in this new class would be "Who in here has been baptized?" As if for some reason he hadn't been around the last 14 years and seen all 3 of my friends get baptized? Give me a break...anyway! The 3 friends I had grown up with all raised their hands and I sat there with my hand down, once again, the unaccepted black sheep.  Just because I had not become a member of what I soon referred to as THEIR church, not MY church. That was the final straw.

I finally started asking questions.  I asked my parents, I asked God, I asked others around me. Why did men wear suits on Sunday mornings, ties on Sunday nights and jeans on Wednesday nights?  Don't we worship the same God every hour, every day, all around the world?  Why are upbeat worship songs wrong? I assume since you condemn them for church worship you don't listen to anything with a drumbeat during the week? Do you not listen to Christian radio on week days or even worse contemporary secular radio?  What makes the KJV Bible the only accepted one?  No answer was good enough for me.  I was 14 when I told my parents I could no longer worship at their church.  The principles of the church made no sense to me.

I had been attending a weekly youth group at another, more contemporary church close by.  After a lot of prayer and family discussions, they finally decided to join me and part ways with the independent Baptist church.  It was like a breath of fresh air, so cliche I'm sorry, but it's true.  I almost felt like I discovered a new God after leaving that church.  A God whose love is everlasting, a God who sent His son, Jesus to die for me AND the people who don't wear suits to church.  He died for the people who listen to secular music, He died for the people who like to dance, He died for the people who do drugs, He died for the too timid to be baptized, scared, 8 year old girl.

All too often Christians get caught up with the dos and donts of Christianity and it takes away from the beautiful message of salvation. While it is important to remain obedient to the Scriptures, and encourage our brothers and sisters if we see them fall.  We must first look at our OWN lives and let God take care of the judging. Matthew 7:1-3 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

I know it was never the intention of the church members to exclude me and point fingers, but as a child I was deeply hurt by these people. Though we left the church by choice and found hope in God at a new place of worship, we still felt hurt and disowned from the members there.  People stopped calling us, told us our new church was not doctrinally sound, and that we would be back eventually. Years later I am still hurt by the way this church treated me, which is why I chose to write it all out.  I have forgiven those who outright pointed fingers at me, but the wounds will always be there. At the church I attend now, baptism is preached, but not in such a way that condemns those who haven't yet made that step of faith.  Baptism is presented as an outward profession of the miracle that has been done in your heart once you accept Jesus as your Savior. It is seen as an exciting milestone in one's life, one to be celebrated and praised for, not as a right into some secret acceptance club. My parents have since moved to an even more contemporary church, and my husband and I have done the same.

Again, this post was not meant to burn bridges with those friends of mine who still attend this church, I don't think they are bad people nor do I wish to hurt their feelings. This was a post to release pain I've had toward actions taken by some who attended during the time I was there. I have not been to this church in many years, and it may have changed since then, but this was my experience for the duration of my time there. I was given a firm foundation at this independent Baptist church, and wouldn't be who I am today had I not attended there in my youth.  In addition to the foundation I was provided, I have also maintained many solid friendships over the years, with members there, and I love those people dearly. However, I don't agree with a lot of the church teachings and will never be back.

For the record, I don't call myself a religious person.  I prefer to call myself relational because I don't have a religion with Jesus, I have a relationship with Him.. Oh, and I apologize if I began rambling on and making no sense, it was hard to condense this post. I could really write a book about this.


Have you ever been wounded by church?

afternoon walk

the storms have continued here in California,

thunder and hail pelted us around 3pm 

and by 5pm it was sunny and beautifully crisp outside

so i went on a walk with my roommate..camera in hand, of course.

you never know what beautiful things Jesus will place in your path.

today was no exception .

all images © Chestnut Tree Photography

thank you Jesus for the beautiful, calm & crisp air after the storm today.

thank you for this precious child that reminded me how fun playing with sticks can be.

thank you for the ducks, seeing this little girl's excitement over them really made my day.

thank you for the amazing views you gave me at sunset on the river.

thank you for my awesome roommate who brought me outdoors when i tried being a hermit.

thank you for your promise to never leave me.

thank you for feeding the flowers with rain so i can see them bloom someday soon.
thank you for my husband and family who constantly encourage me.
thank you for a sweet email from a friend today, she didn't know, but you knew i needed it.

thank you for loving me despite my negative attitude most days.

thank you for showing me your power through the thunder storm today.

Be still, and know that I am God.

Psalm 46:10

river flows in you

"I am like a lily among thorns,

so is my love among the daughters..

I sat down in His shade with great delight

and his fruit was sweet to my taste.

He brought me to the banqueting house

and His banner over me was love.

Sustain me..

Refresh me..

For I am lovesick"

Song of Solomon 2:2-4

all images © Chestnut Tree Photography

What a comfort that Bible verse is to me right now.

I walked down the aisle to this song 6 months ago.
It brings tears to my eyes because
absolutely nothing compared to the smile on my
husband's face as I walked each step closer to him,
ready to begin our life as husband and wife forever.
If only we could go back in time and re-live moments,
that's one I would live over and over again, it was truly amazing.
I miss him with every ounce of me and
would give anything to see that smile right now.
I hold this song very dear to my heart because of the
smile I see when it begins to play.

Link up to Goodnight Moon and share
your meaningful songs today!